Infertility and Christmas.

Wow, it has felt like so long since I have been able to write! Welcome back everyone!

This time of year brings us all such an array of emotions. Joy that we can spend time with our families. Stress that we have to find the funds to buy our family members Christmas presents. Guilt that we aren’t remembering the true meaning of Christmas, and doing our best to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. Fears and excitement of what the new year will bring us. This time of year brings busy weekends, last minute shopping, late night wrapping, cookie baking and holiday decorating. Pinterest projects and fails, and for those parents out there–Elf On The Shelf prepping!.

And, in the midst of all of this there is a community of people who do their best to put on a happy face and to remember to have a grateful heart…but who are also silently (well, maybe not always silently) suffering from a heavy heart this time of year. For those who are dealing with infertility, this time of year can be hard…really really hard. So, keep that in mind if you know of someone who is struggling with infertility this year.

For my husband and I this Christmas was supposed to be shared with a child nestled all cozy in their bed. We had plans of reading Christmas stories and stuffing an extra stocking, and getting to send a Christmas card with our new bundle of joy. However, that is not the case…and that is a hard pill to swallow. We instead are childless this Christmas. While we know that we will have our baby in our arms one day through the beautiful gift of adoption; it doesn’t make it any easier to be without our child this Christmas. When we decorate our Christmas tree and gaze at all of the memorable ornaments, such as, “our first Christmas” or “our first Christmas in our new home” we also have the sad reminder that we are missing “baby’s first Christmas”. When we hang our stockings on the fireplace we are reminded that we have one less than we had hoped to have. When we shop for toys for our nieces and nephew, and our friends’ sweet little ones, we are saddened that we cannot buy gifts for a child of our own. Everything is a stinging reminder of what we don’t have with us. We won’t wake up on Christmas morning and bundle our baby up in their Christmas jammies. Instead, we will pack our gifts for our family members and head out the door. We will listen to our nieces and nephew tell of how Santa came to their house and ate their cookies and left them gifts. We will watch with happy hearts as the open their gifts they have so eagerly waited to open for weeks. We will cherish the time spent with our loved ones and be thankful for all that we have. BUT, we will also be hurting and trying our hardest to make it through the day with out shedding a tear (or having a complete breakdown…if I’m being totally honest!) for the loss we have felt from infertility.

I ask that if you are our friends and family that you are understanding of where we are coming from this year. I hope that you understand if I’m not always cheerful and bubbly. I hope you understand that our hearts are heavy and we need your prayers to get us through this season. We are grieving the loss of our ability to become pregnant. We are grieving the missing stocking hanging from our mantle. We are grieving our empty arms as we leave our home to celebrate Christmas with our loved ones. We are grieving from the loss and sadness we have felt the past year.

We are fortunate to have a great support network of family and friends. We are fortunate that God has put us on a different path to creating our family. We are thankful that we have been chosen by God to walk the path of adoption. We are excited that we can grow our family this way, and we love dreaming of the day we will bring our child home. But, for now I think it’s okay for us to hurt. I think it is okay for us to be sad and its okay for us to grieve the loss that we feel this year.

We hope that you continue to pray for our family in several ways. Pray that God will continue to pour His grace over us. Pray that He will continue to fill our hearts with peace. Pray that our new year will be filled with joy. Pray for our hearts and that they may heal. Pray for us this holiday season, so that we may look forward to what God will put on our path and that we can heal from the previous chapters that weren’t always so joyful.

We warmly wish you all a very merry Christmas and joyful new year and we thank you from the bottom of our hearts for the love and support you have poured over us this past year.

Until next year,

A xo

My Love Will Find You

Welcome back! I finally have found a small ounce of time to update you all about the adoption. With the move back to the QC, we have had little time to really focus on the adoption and getting all of our paperwork done. Between being busy with job promotions, and starting new careers in addition to getting setteled into our new routine, its not been easy to sit down, fill out paperwork and prepare our minds and hearts for taking the next step in the journey towards finding our baby.

While I thought that I was ready to start this whole journey weeks–er–months ago…I must admit, that I was wrong. We had our money put aside and saved, Alex and I talked details and dreamt of how beautiful this process would be..but..it just wasn’t happening. I wasn’t ready to sign those papers to start the next step. It was scary. I thought I had worked through the emotions of saying goodbye to having a pregnancy, but I found myself hesitating to sign my name on the dotted line. As prepared as I thought my heart was…I was mistaken. Turns out I had some personal battles to overcome. I never could have imagined the intensity that my heartache could reach. Somehow, the heartache continued to grow, even when I felt like I had overcome those obstacles. Every day is a struggle for me. Yet, I find myself noticing joy in the every day too. Sadly, there are those days where the heartache is overpowering of the joy…it steals my ability to be thankful for all of the wonderful blessings in my life. I prayed last night, and I prayed hard. In the quiet of my bedroom, alone waiting for my husband to finish getting ready for bed, I prayed a silent prayer. I prayed that God would show me the light. I prayed for God to hold my hand and to take away my fears. I prayed that he would help me work through the heartache I feel is so heavily weighing on me.

Today, I woke up and I knew it was time to send in those papers.(I tried sending them in last week and the email never sent…I think that happened for a reason!) I felt a surge of joy in my heart. The fear of signing on that dotted line was gone. With the help of our wonderful consultant, Susan, she was able to talk me through what I was struggling with. And, what Alex and I were both struggling with as a couple. She reassured me and told us our fears were normal, and if we hadn’t been feeling that way, she would be concerned. Susan’s reassurance put my mind and my heart at ease and reminded me of the love I have for adoption, and the bravery I know I possess. I am going to find my baby. We are going to have our family. We are going to be scared. We are going to have moments of doubt in knowing if we are making all of the right choices. We will have our highs and our lows. I know we will have God guiding us along this path of uknowns and that makes the journey much less intimidating.

I also bought our baby something for the very first time. Family and friends have bought our sweet baby many gifts and they are wonderful…but, I haven’t been able to. Fear was holding me back. I couldn’t let myself believe that it was true…that we will be parents and we are having a baby. So, I bought our baby a book. It was a small step towards healing, and no matter how small the step, it was a step none the less. The book is called “Born From The Heart” by Berta Serrano. Alex decided that he too wanted to buy the baby a book. So, each of us will have a very special gift waiting for our child…and we cannot wait until the day we can read the stories to our snuggly little one before bed time.

We will find you sweet baby…soon.

“Wherever you are, my love will find you. You are my angel, my darling, my star…and my love will find you, wehrever you are.“

Putting your big girl pants on.

I must admit that “putting on my big girl pants” is not a task that is easily accomplished. Lately, with all of our changes which includes but is not limited to: moving back to our hometown in Illinois, leaving our cherished friends and relationships in Kansas, worrying about finding a church we love just as much as our current church here, adjusting to new jobs/promotions, temporarily living with family…oh, and adopting a child…It is safe to say we are overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with feelings of excitement and joy to be back with family and friends in Illinois, sadness and heartache to leave our “family” here in Kansas, anxiety to sell a home and find a new one, fear that we won’t build a church family like we have now, and a range of emotions that come along with adoption. We truly do have so much to be thankful for in this crazy life of ours but I would be lying if I said I was able to focus on all of the blessings and place my worries, fears and anxieties on God and know that He will provide. While deep down I do know God will provide for us and has beautiful plans for our family…I am struggling. Struggling in ways that I hate to admit.

Recently, I have let negative feelings get the best of me. I am angry that having a family is such a challenge for us. I am hurting because I see so many of our loved ones and friends getting pregnant and growing their families so easily. I am feeling hopeless knowing the journey and long road ahead that we have with adopting our child. I recently read a blog post that a friend of mine shared on her Facebook page (a friend who has also struggled with infertility and adopted 2 beautiful babes…you know who you are!). This post was a letter the woman was writing to her “infertile self” (she know has adopted children of her own). As I read this post my eyes teared up and my heart felt heavy. Everything this post talked about I was experiencing and I needed to read every word of encouragement to remind myself that this is just a chapter in our families story and beautiful chapters are ahead.

After reading and stewing about my own feelings and struggles, I messaged my friend who shared the link, and told her I could relate to EVERYTHING in that blog….she said “sometimes you just have to put your big girl pants on” and it stuck with me …I decided it was time that I put my big girl pants on and lived my life! Throwing myself pity parties and being upset about what I didn’t have, was no way to live my life. It was time to really embrace all of this change in my life and to let myself enjoy where I am right now, instead of worrying about where I’ll be in the future! I no doubt still have fears about adoption, and sadness about infertility, and anxiety about all of our changes…but I’m working on enjoying being married to my husband, and enjoying all of the really awesome things we can do just the two of us in this new adventure! God always provides, He hasn’t letus down yet so I need to have faith that He won’t let us down now!

I am ready to embrace all of these changes coming our way now and have decided to focus on the good that comes with the change, instead of the bad! We are moving back to our hometown where we have our families and our wonderful friends, we get to share our new home with our KC friends and get to visit them often, like little vacations! We get to try new churches and work on creating more beautiful relationships and growing closer to God, we get to start new jobs and further our careers that we both have worked so hard to have! We get to live with Alex’s parents, who are so good to us and give us great company and support, its like getting to live with your best friends! We get to adopt our child and be able to share them with our family all of the time. Our child will grow up in the same town we did, with the children of people we grew up with, they can have a sleepover with cousins, they will get to enjoy Sunday morning breakfast at my Grandma’s and getting donuts before grocery shopping with Alex’s parents….and we get to ride this crazy roller coaster called adoption with our families and their support. And, until that baby of ours joins our family…we will enjoy time as husband and wife. We have plans to travel, plans to enjoy our flexible schedule that you don’t always have with a little one, and plans to enjoy this new adventure we get to take!

I am not claiming to have it all together by any means…I still struggle with sadness, anxiety and fear…but I’m working on not letting them control my emotions so heavily. We have so much to be thankful for and I am ready for that to consume my heart now.

Please be in prayer that we can be happily patient, and receptive to God’s activity in our life RIGHT NOW. Prayers that we don’t get trapped in the mindset of  what we do not yet have; but that we can be joyful in our reality and for what is yet to come. 

xoxo

Amy

 

An Adventure of a Lifetime

Well, I’m back at it! Now that we have announced our plan to adopt our child, I feel it’s about it time to make another post!

It is really an awesome feeling to finally be able to make a post about this! We will get a baby (just not sure when) and that is something worthy of screaming from the rooftops! Our hearts are overjoyed and Alex and I are loving this feeling! However, with all of this joy comes a lot of unknown, long roads, emotional roller-coasters and a patient and faithful heart. Adoption will not be easy and we aren’t sure how this will all play out for us…but here is what we DO know: 

• Just like any expecting parents, we are so so SO excited! However, keep in mind that we do not have a lot of control in this situation. We have so many unknowns that bring us a lot of fear. So, please be excited for us (because we LOVE it) but, try and remember that questions like “have you been matched yet?” “how long will you be gone when you go to pick up your baby?” and “how long is this gonna take?” are not questions we will have the answers to…and when we do know the answers…trust us, you will know. The second we know I will be texting/calling/posting to all of our loved ones! Remember, this is a journey we are putting our faith into, we are leaping into unknown waters and we are relying on our faith and God’s greatness to provide for us during this time. So, be patient with us 🙂
• In these next few months we will preparing and working on completing our home-study. We WILL be a bit preoccupied with mountains of paperwork and hectic planning for social worker visits. This is a bit like our nesting time, We get to prepare our home for a child, we get to have the bedroom that will be our nursery ready to go for the day we find out we are matched and if we are having a boy or a girl. So, please understand that this time for us will not only be super hard work and a tad stressful, but it will also be a time for us to plan for our special arrival. Just like pregnant momma’s get to plan for their baby, we get to plan for ours as well, our circumstances are just different!
• For all of our friends who are pregnant or trying to get pregnant; please know just how incredibly happy we are for you. What an amazing part of your lives we are happy to share in the journey with. We get to watch your belly grow, throw showers for you, anticipate the day you tell us you are adding onto your family. It’s exciting! You are our friends, family and some of our favorite people. I’m just warning you…there is a possibility that I will burst into tears when I get to see you experiencing all of these milestones. I may cry when I find out you are pregnant (for reasons of happiness and reasons of jealousy), or when I get to see your beautiful belly growing, or see Facebook posts of your most recent sonogram pictures. I beg that you remember that while we are so thrilled with our decision to adopt, it is not easy having no control over our situation. I try not and show these emotions to anyone but my husband, but I can’t promise that you won’t see a tear streaming down my cheek . In my struggles with infertility I will hurt when I hear of your ability to plan your pregnancy down to the month. It is so hard not knowing when, if or where our adoption will take place.
• Let us be excited about this adventure to find our baby! This is the equivalency of a pregnancy to us and we will be playing with a lot of emotions here. Let us enjoy this terrifying and beautiful journey. Please, refrain from sharing horror stories you have heard about adoption failures or asking us “aren’t you scared that your baby could be taken away from you if the parents want him/her back?”. We know all too well the risk that accompanies adoption…but we have heard countless beautiful adoption stories, that are successful and healthy and those are the stories we will choose to dwell on.
• Please, don’t downplay the hurt we have had to face to get to this point. When we hear comments like “well, at least you don’t have to through all of the bad parts of pregnancy”, that downplays the hurt we have had to deal with. I would give anything to feel morning sickness, weight gain, swelling and whatever else pregnant women may complain about. To me, those aren’t punishments, they are beautiful reminders that you have been given a gift to carry a child. A gift that should never be taken for granted. We grieved not being able to become pregnant, we prayed and discussed a lot before making the decision to adopt. Becoming pregnant is a dream of ours and it has been hard to realize that it’s just not happening for us right now in this particular chapter in our lives. I will always be open to God blessing us with a pregnancy… but guess what? He is blessing us with a gift just as great. A gift to have the ability to adopt and love a child unconditionally. 
• We do not think adoption is a second best option, despite what you may assume. I know to some people it may seem like we chose adoption because we “couldn’t get anything else”. Actually, we did have other options, we could have pursued in-vitro or surrogacy (and we had one beautiful couple who we love dearly, who felt called to help us with infertility, by offering to be a surrogate for us). BUT, we didn’t feel those options were what God was calling us towards. That’s not the story we felt was right for our family. We have prayed night after night to have guidance and wisdom on how to build our family. After many months, we decided we should meet with an adoption consultant. We knew that we would have a feel for God’s plan for our family after meeting with her and getting the run down of the process. Boy, were we right. We left the meeting with our hearts full of love for adoption. We both knew this is what our happily ever after meant for us. We are going to have a baby through adoption and we love that! So, please don’t ask us why we didn’t pursue something else, because, plain and simple it is hurtful when people ask us that question. We pursued it because we WANT to adopt our child. Adoption is a beautiful act of love that we know God has called Alex and I to partake in. We are honored to be able to adopt our child. Many people think that because we so badly have wished to be pregnant that we think adoption is “second-best” or that “we have to adopt”. No, absolutely no. Adoption is not second-best in any way shape or form. We have felt very called to do this
• We don’t want to hear you bashing birth mothers or their right to be a part in our child’s life story. Our birth mother will be our hero. She will give me a gift that I cannot have right now with out her. She is making the most selfless choice to give her baby a life she cannot provide for them at the moment. We will have a bond with our birth mother unlike any other. She will be choosing us to be the parents to her baby and that is something we will never take for granted nor will we take lightly. It is not anyone’s place to judge birth mothers in their decision. She just knows she is not in a season of life to be a parent and will have to make the hardest decision a mother could ever make. So, I’m just warning you now, I will not be polite if you talk negatively of birth mothers and I especially will not be polite if you talk negatively about the birth mother who will one day choose us. I will stand up for her always. She is a gift to our family from God.

Alex and I are thrilled to be on this crazy adventure to find our baby. We want you all to be a part of it. We want you to share in our high’s and or lows and we can’t wait to see what this year brings us. We can’t wait until the day we have a child in our arms. We will snuggle them, nurture them, guide them, kiss their boo-boo’s and show them unconditional love. We wholly believe that we are seeking to bring home the very child God created with our family in mind. He will fully equip us to be the parents of  a beautiful child who is not growing in my womb, but in our hearts.

 

 

 

The Ugly Truth

 

Hi everyone! I’m finally back…its been a wild and crazy couple of weeks with preparing for the end of the year with my students. I only have a couple of weeks left with them so I’ve been a little pre-occupied with taking in every ounce of my time left with them! I also have been an emotional basket case this last week and wasn’t prepared to write. However, I think I am ready to tackle this post head on and share what’s been going on lately!

This last month I had very high hopes for conceiving. I actually ovulated and it was the very first time I’ve done so this entire process! So, when it came time to wait for a pregnancy test, I didn’t want to admit it to anyone, but I was secretly convinced that we were pregnant this time and it finally would work. I kept my game face on though, and pretended like I was totally calm, cool and collected about it. (I wasn’t…like, at all…I was in fact freaking out with excitement for weeks.) 

Then, that week came, the week that every woman trying to get pregnant dreads. The week where you find out that once again it didn’t work. Ugh. Cue major breakdown. We were back home with our family and getting ready to meet everyone for brunch. I called Alex into the room and sobbed for a while before I had to make myself presentable again so that we could meet our family. He held me while I was overcome with sadness and anger. I told him “maybe I’m just not meant to be a mommy”…he did everything he could to bring hope back to me and showered me with love and reassurance of God’s understanding for our desire to be parents. Normally, in my posts this is when I quote scripture that is a beautiful reminder of God’s promise, or my profound way of how I overcame yet another failing month of fertility treatments. The truth is that this time I didn’t look for a way to reassure myself or remind myself it will all be okay. This time, I let myself be angry and sad. I did however put my game face on for brunch, but the second we got in our car and left for home, I cried for almost the entire 6 hour drive. I also cried all evening, locked myself in a bedroom and let it all out. I had puffy eyes, a bad attitude, and a weakened spirit. I didn’t want to be around anyone, talk to anyone or have anyone try and make me feel better. I just wanted to be mad and cry. 

I felt defeated. I had lost the battle again. I had actually hit my breaking point.

And, my sister told me that if I wanted I could come over and break dishes. Oh how badly I wished I could have taken her up on her offer! 

 

I am still feeling pretty low at this point, but it is getting better. I’m finding hope again…It’s just that this time around, I’m not as quick to bounce back, and for me that is really hard to admit. Through this process I’ve really been proud of how positive I have been when things don’t work out, and I have sought God immediately when things don’t go as I planned. This time though…it was not so much the case. My friend Ali reminded me that it was okay for me to let myself grieve and feel. So, that is what I’ve done. This post will not contain me searching out scripture to answer my questions. I still have a deep faith that God will provide for us and I still pray and speak with him daily; but I am going to let myself feel for a while this time around…and when I feel ready, I’ll put on my big girl pants and tackle this with a positive and hopeful outlook once again. I’m getting my smile back and I’m slowly getting back to myself. I will admit though, its felt nice to just let it all loose and cry a while. 

After this month, Alex and I really evaluated the plan for our family. I begged him to let me give up. He 100% supported me in that, but also reminded me that I really need to be sure that I’m ready to be done. Turns out I’m not. It’s simply amazing how Alex knows me better than I know myself at times. We did decide however, to stop with our current fertility treatments. The medicine I’m on has terrible side effects, and we are on such a regimented schedule that it was taking away my happiness and my ability to feel like myself. I have been losing hair, having pretty rapid weight loss (even though I eat like a teenage boy…literally whatever is in front of me… I eat), my skin has no color left in it, I’m constantly sick and its really taken a toll on me. So, we decided it was time to quit that so that my body can take a rest.

We are now going to try a natural healthcare approach. I just ordered doTERRA products that have proven to erase PCOS and provide women with children who were told they would never conceive. Some women have seen results within the first month of taking the essential oils (in addition to a healthy lifestyle change) and some women it took about 3 months to see any change. I’m hoping I can reverse my PCOS by taking essential oils to balance my hormones and overcome my infertility. So, please pray for us in this new endeavor! We are crossing our fingers, and slowly regaining our hopeful attitudes with this new plan in place. 

I am so thankful for the family and friends who are holding our hands through this journey. We are thankful for everyone’s understanding, thoughtfulness and encouragement during all of this. It does not go unnoticed. 

Huge thanks to my husband. You are always so present in our marriage, you are aware of my needs and you are my rock. I am not sure what I would do with out your support. 

Huge thanks to my mama this weekend for being so aware of my feelings and needs. Having you to love on me this last weekend was much needed.

Huge thanks to my friend, Ali. Without your guidance I’m not sure if I could have tackled my week. I couldn’t be more thankful for our friendship and your huge heart.

Huge thanks to my sister, Beth. You always keep me hopeful, and you are always there to put a smile on my face. I love that you offer to sacrifice your dishes for my anger too!! You always know what I need!

We will continue to pray and send wishes for a baby…we will get our family…we will. 

Amy xoxo

Hold onto the promises

I have a confession to make my friends…

I get jealous. I get angry. I often question God and get angry with Him for the injustices of this world. I fairly recently had a breakdown over these infertility shenanigans…and it wasn’t pretty. I cried…and cried…and cried. It started off as a lighthearted conversation with God, asking Him to help me through this, to take away my sadness and my anxieties. Then, it turned into a full blown ugly cry breakdown. I found myself really getting angry with God, asking Him “am I not worthy of being a mother?”. After wiping away my tears and being left in the midst of my sadness and anger, I made a list of the things that were really hurting me the most…and then I went in search of scripture that could help me to remember the promises God has made us, and be reminded that this is only a chapter of our lives. A chapter that I hope one day we will look back on and see that it was all for a purpose. Because after-all, “The pain that you are feeling cannot compare to the joy that’s coming.” Romans 8:18.

So very often I find myself becoming so angry over the fact that I have to work so hard at trying to have a baby. I’m on multiple medications, I get monthly blood draws (sometimes twice a month), I have reminders in my phone for ovulation, best cycle days for conceiving, days to start one medicine or up the dosage of another…the list goes on and on. It is unbelievably discouraging to try SO hard to get pregnant only to be let down each month with a negative pregnancy test and blood test results showing that the medicine didn’t even make a difference in my hormone levels, or management of PCOS. 

It is so hard to see other women getting pregnant so easily or accidentally…and I can’t get pregnant on purpose or with the help of fertility drugs. I am so joyful to see people who are close to us getting pregnant and embarking on the amazing adventure of bringing a child into this world. To see the smiles on their faces, the utter joy in the hearts and the excitement in their words makes my heart explode. But, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t completely and utterly jealous that they get to have the experience and I don’t. I want nothing more than to experience those things, and to be able to break the news to our family and friends that we are finally pregnant. The reality is though, that its just not our turn yet. 

Another really hard pill to swallow is when Alex and I come across people who don’t love their children, abuse them, neglect them and take them for granted. Why do they get to have children? Or, why do neglectful and abusing parents continue to be able to have children over and over when they only continue to abuse them and hurt them? It’s probably safe to say I will never understand this…

Alex and I are ready to love a child unconditionally, we are ready to guide them, teach them and enjoy every moment with them. We are ready to devote our lives to being a parent…yet we are being denied of that blessing. It’s instances such as these that really discourage us and force us to have very honest conversations with God. I have to remind myself that God is saddened by this also. He doesn’t want to see us hurting. He doesn’t want to see us cry. It hurts His heart as well. He wants us to Glorify Him and be reminded of the promises He has made to us. 

We have to remind ourselves that God is a great God who loves us deeply. Its okay to tell Him we are angry and that we don’t understand what is happening to us. Its okay to ask Him to take away your pain and sadness…its a burden He is willing and able to take for us. As angry as I sometimes get and as overwhelming as my sadness may seem, I know that I have a God who I can go to for anything. He will always listen and He will always answer…I just have to be listening and mindful that I may not get my answers on my time frame, I will get those answers in God’s perfect timing and I will remember that His plans are bigger than my dreams. (CCC Wednesday Life Group…sound familiar?!) 

When I’m feeling angry, discouraged and let down…I remember these promises:

• “The Lord is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” Deuteronomy 31:8
• “Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” —Isaiah 41:10  
• “This is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests which we have asked from Him.” —1 John 5:14-15
• “The Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord gives grace and glory; no good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.” —Psalm 84:11
• “Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears our burden, the God who is our salvation.” —Psalm 68:19
• “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” —Philippians 4:6-7
• “Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart.” —Psalm 37:4
• “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change and though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea; though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains quake at its swelling pride. ” —Psalm 46:1-3
• “I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” —Romans 8:38-39

After reading these I can smile and delight. I can work through my anger and sadness, because I have been promised these things. 

 Amy xoxo

 

 

 

Above all, love each other deeply

Infertility can affect so many different aspects of your life. One of the biggest challenges I feel like people face is the challenge of keeping your marriage strong through the roller-coaster ride that is infertility. I’m not claiming that we have it all together, or that we handle all of the bumps in the road with ease…but we have recently found what works for our marriage, and what we need from each other during this time.

This revelation did not come to us easily. It actually took our marriage hitting an all time low to realize what we need as husband and wife to thrive and stay strong. It’s really hard for me to admit that we had to hit this low. But, I think so many couples face challenges while struggling with infertility, and its important to let others know that they aren’t alone in the struggle. We are so very blessed to have a marriage built on God, love and friendship…but its easy to lose hope when you feel like your dreams you have for your family are being taken away. I’m here to tell you, that your marriage can be strong, you can be happy and you can work through the roller coaster of emotions you face through infertility. 

I’ll share with you our personal experience of what works for us…

Prayer. It seems so easy and simple…but often times we forget that the best way to be there for each other. We’ve learned that sometimes the only way to work through things such as: “What is our next step?”, or “What’s the best decision for our family right now?” is to pray. Pray for God’s wisdom, peace, strength and understanding. It’s amazing the closeness that prayer can bring to your marriage. 

Letting ourselves feel. It is so important to share with your spouse the emotions that you’re going through. It’s just as important to listen and support your spouse while they share their feelings as well. Its a two way street, you each have to be each others rock and support. We have felt sadness when things don’t go as you plan, fear of not getting pregnant or that you’re doing something wrong, frustration, and anger. (Don’t forget to remember to be grateful for a happy marriage…and constantly show how thankful you are to have that happy marriage). By letting ourselves feel these emotions, we can more easily work through them and be a support to our spouse. 

Being honest with each other. This was a tough one…sometimes you are afraid to say what you’re really feeling in fear that your spouse won’t be on the same page. (I think this is a place where we struggled a lot)…We both really had to be open and honest with each other in what we were ready for, how we felt about certain options, and the path(s) that we were comfortable and willing to take. It was such a relief when we both were honest with one another and we could both share our views and our ideas for future decisions. 

Being a beacon of hope for each other. The importance of raising each other up when the other is down is so crucial. Show them how much you love them. Fill them with hope. Support them in all ways. Continue to encourage each other, and share in the experience together. This will bring out a much deeper love for one another that you so desperately need when your marriage is learning to live with infertility. You two are a team, and those vows and promises you made to each other on your wedding day need to stand strong every single day. 

Being on the same page. Another toughie…We struggled with this a bit as well…we were able to get on the same page through communication and honesty though (see…I told you those things are important!). We had been on slightly different pages when it came to our timelines and our path for building our family. One of us was ready to move onto the next step before the other was….and when we weren’t communicating and being honest with each other about what we were ready for is when we struggled. After long discussions and much thought, we were able to come to a conclusion about what we believe to be best for our family. Thankfully, we have always shared the same views on how we want to build our family…we just needed to be on the same page of when we would pursue those options. 

Our relationship is stronger than it ever was before. We know that our marriage is the foundation for our family, no matter how big or how small. We know we will get through this, and where we are right now is not where we will be forever. We are just learning to take this one day at a time and remembering to be thankful for all of the great things God has given us. We have a beautiful marriage, wonderful family and friends, we get to travel together and make memories, we have a warm and loving home, two amazing dogs to enjoy, and a faith that holds us together. We have so much to smile about…

“For I know the plans I have for you,” Declares the Lord, “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Amy xoxo

 

Encouraging Words

My friends, it is amazing the amount of love that my household is feeling after all of the comments, Facebook messages, texts, and phone calls. They were oozing your love, support, encouragement, and prayer. For that, we are so grateful and feel amazingly lucky that God put you all in our lives. So, after seeing how wonderful you all are at encouraging those around you, I’m not sure this post is warranted…but I’ll post anyways!

I know it is so hard to know what to say to someone who is struggling with infertility. You are speechless, and you may feel like there is nothing you can you can say to take their pain away. Ya know what? You’re kinda right. You can’t really take away the pain by trying to understand. BUT…you can help ease the pain, and make each day a little easier. I know from my experience people don’t need to say much, or have the perfect words. The love that is behind a text message that says: “I’m here for you” or “We are praying for you and love you so much and hope you stay strong today” means the world…and I know that on days where I’m really struggling, its those positive words of encouragement that help me remember to keep my head up and keep the faith! Just knowing that you are there to lend a shoulder to cry on, an ear for listening, and an open heart is all it takes.

When we first discovered I had PCOS and this journey started, I could tell my friends were at a loss for words. I could sense their confusion in what to say to me. I could sense their hesitation in approaching me with questions. I knew they wanted to be there for me, but they weren’t really sure on how to go about that. Quite honestly, I wasn’t really sure at first either? I had a lot of anger and sadness and was unsure of how to handle those feelings myself, so how could anyone else possibly be there for me? Then, I put myself in their position. There have been times in my life where I wished I had the words to say to someone in times of struggle and need. Times when I wish someone would just tell me what they need from me and what I can do to help. So, a while ago when some of my closest friends asked me those very words “Amy, open up, what can I do to encourage you?” I thought very deeply about it and came up with ways I think you can encourage a friend struggling with infertility.

 

(Remember…its Infertility Awareness Week, so if you know other people in your life struggling, let them know you care, that you love them and that you want to encourage them! Who doesn’t love a little positive reinforcement to brighten up their spirits??)

 

Here are some great ways to encourage:

• I personally love getting texts, emails or whatever, that just let me know you’re thinking of me and that you’re available to talk. There are days that are much harder than others, and its always great to know you have people who care about you.
• Lend a listening ear. There are so many times where I just need to scream, cry, and yell. Having to deal with constant reminders that you aren’t pregnant is hard. Really hard. I know that I have family and friends that will pick up that phone and listen to me while I sob so hard that they probably can’t understand a word that comes out of my mouth. I know most of you probably have to pretend you understand in the midst of my blubbering…and that’s OK…I’m just grateful to have you listening…
• Support them in their decisions along the way. Dealing with infertility is a grueling process and people hit a personal point where they know they can’t continue to keep trying. Whether they decide a certain route, such as IVF or adoption; support them. Hands down. Most likely the couple has been struggling with making the correct decision for their family and people questioning them is not a great way to offer support and can often send them into a state of grieving over whether or not they are making the correct decision. The couple knows what is best for the family and they shouldn’t be expected to defend themselves on that decision.
• Attend appointments with them. Difficult or not; if they don’t have a spouse able to attend a blood draw or an important doctor visit, offer to go. I personally have a hard time even being mentally prepared for a blood draw. Yes, pathetic, I know…but none-the-less they are scary for me and it just brings up a lot of emotions. I have a dear friend who has gone with me before when my husband wasn’t able to; and that was one of the best things she could have ever done. It helped take away that fear, and it helped me to handle the sadness I feel when I have to be there doing it in the first place.
• Provide support to your male friends as well. Sometimes, its overlooked what the male in the relationship is going through. They are hurting, grieving, and dealing too…so don’t forget to throw some love their way.
• Let them know you are praying for them. I am a HUGE believer in prayer. I know prayers are answered. Prayers can be peace to a troubled heart, can be strength to a weak spirit and hope to a doubtful mind. Pray for those in your life who struggle with infertility, and let them know you are praying for them.

Go to http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/25-things-to-say-and-not-to-say.html to read about 25 Things To Say (and Not To Say) to Someone Living with Infertility.

While my main focus for this post is to focus on the positive effects you can have on your friends suffering from infertility, this site has a great read on what to avoid saying as well.  So many of those examples of “what not to say” are comments I have heard and have really been a very hurtful experience for me. I’m not going to dive into that right now…but they are good to know and they provide reasons as to why those comments are hurtful.

I know it seems like people who are unable to conceive are so fragile and unable to approach…but just remember that its a grieving process, a roller coaster of emotions and a long hard road for people with infertility. Be there to encourage your friends, ask them ways that you can be there for them; all couples are different in what they find helpful and what they find hurtful. So, just ask!

–  “As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.” Proverbs 27:17

Amy xoxo

 

 

 

 

 

 

Glimpses of Hope

Hi all…well, here will be my first attempt at blogging. While, I’m not the wittiest nor the most interesting person in the world; I have felt a calling to tell our story and to let you into a very vulnerable part of our lives. So, in honor of “Infertility Awareness Week”, I invite you all into our family’s experience and we hope that you can share your love and support with us through our journey. As so many of our close family and friends know…I have a passion for working with and teaching children, and my hearts greatest desire is to be a mommy. I want nothing more in life than to have a child, be a parent, and love one of God’s blessings unconditionally. Little did I know that this would be a challenge for us. Everyone thinks that once they make the decision to bring a baby into their family its going to happen in the blink of an eye. Well, we thought that at least…and then we found out that I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). When the Dr. told us this the first thing that came to my mind was, “Huh?”… I had never heard of PCOS and quite honestly I was freaked out. The next thing the Dr. tells us is that “we have a 5% chance of getting pregnant on our own”. Once I heard those words come out of her mouth, my world shut down. I heard nothing. I could see my husband in discussion with the Dr. over our options, our treatments and what we should be aware of. Do you think I can tell you one thing they talked about? Nope…not a clue. My world had gone silent and the only thing I could comprehend was “5% chance”. We left the doctor’s office and the hubby went back to work, and I got in my car to drive home. As soon as I was out of sight of anyone, I broke down. I had no idea that the reason we had been unsuccessful in conceiving a child was actually because something was wrong with my body. After throwing a temper tantrum and a pity party in the car for myself, I called my mama and started the tantrum and pity party all over again. Somehow, even in your mid-twenties, the only thing that can make you feel comforted is your mom. That night, we had our Wednesday night life group at church. I sat with swollen eyes, and a bad attitude the whole night, and when prayer requests came around, we asked them to pray for us and told them of our news. Boy, did they pray. They gathered around us, showered us with love and support, and prayed. It was one of the most amazing moments in our marriage I think. My husband and I both cried and held each others hands tightly and knew that we had to put our faith in God to get us through this. Since that awful day in the doctors office, we have had quite the journey. I’ve been on multiple medications that make you feel like a raging hormonal hot mess, upped dosages, basal body temperature charts, ovulation trackers, countless pregnancy tests and iPhone apps (don’t even get my started on that…the stupid thing asks me every time I’m late, the question:”Could you be pregnant?”…NO! I’M NOT PREGNANT AND STOP RUBBING IT IN MY FACE YOU MEANIE!) Needless to say I’ve deleted that monster. We are now in month 8 of fertility medicine (Femara, similar to Clomid) and we are still unsuccessful. We still rely on the support of family, closest friends and most importantly, God. We owe a huge thank you to those of you who have helped us through the negative results of many pregnancy tests, have held our hands, dried our tears, and prayed for us. With out you all we would not be nearly as strong as we are in all of this. We ask you all to stay tuned, share your love and support, pray for us often, and help us to stay faithful through this. – “Let your hope keep you joyful, be patient in times of trouble and pray at all times” Romans 12:12 Amy xoxo